Logan ([info]lustforlike) wrote,
@ 2009-01-08 20:20:00
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Senseless
My heart is determined to play games with me. I didn't fall for the girl I was sleeping with - I didn't feel for her what she felt for me - so I thought the lesser of the evils was to break up, rather than create more suffering later by letting her fall even more in love, while I was feeling less. It was a mistake for things to go so far, so fast.

She's a great girl. She's pretty, she cooks very well, she's funny, she pushes me a little - which I need. Hearts aren't accounting ledgers, though, and just because it adds up on paper doesn't mean it works. I can't pretend.

I'm telling all of you this crap because I still ask myself why, sometimes. I know I had to do it, but everyone around me is asking why, and sometimes the answers don't sound satisfactory, even to my ears. I know I had to do it, but I'm still working out why. Stupid subconscious.

I miss her sometimes, but only at night. She misses me all day. It's really not fair to her. She did everything right. Sometimes, there are no good options.

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[info]bitter_moss
2009-01-08 12:49 pm UTC (link)
Ack :(. It's a hard situation to be in. I think you did the mature thing, and it's a hard call to make. *hugs*. May someone who you will liked/loved and be liked/loved by reasonably equally be just around the corner =).

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[info]lustforlike
2009-01-08 12:56 pm UTC (link)
Maybe. I'm not sure that I really want that anymore, though. I don't think I can handle an adult relationship. I think I'll just love people like Lily from afar, never getting further than friendship, and if random sex comes my way in the meantime, I won't complain. The latter is not likely in this country, though, they're pretty much one sexual partner per lifetime over here. Doesn't matter. The sex I don't need. My heart beating true - that I need.

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[info]stefficus
2009-01-08 03:30 pm UTC (link)
you are way, way, WAY smarter than i am. smarter than most, for that matter.

you did right. but you know that.

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[info]lustforlike
2009-01-09 01:37 am UTC (link)
I suspect an ex did much the same thing with me. It helps to know both sides of the fence, I guess. I know it hurts, but I also know it's better than the alternative. Live and learn, huh?

On a bit of a tangent, I always thought Buddha hit the nail on the head when he said life is suffering. I didn't quite buy into the idea that in order to end suffering we have to let go of all attachments to the world, though; I think suffering is just a part of the deal, and by living through it (and learning from it), we are greater as a result.

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[info]sheandhersin
2009-01-09 07:03 am UTC (link)
You did right. Hearts are unpredictable, fickle little things, but its never fair to be involved when your heart isn't, regardless of how much sense it makes or how much the alternative sucks, too. I'm sorry things went down that way.

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[info]lustforlike
2009-01-09 07:16 am UTC (link)
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm sorry it went down that way, too.

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[info]cozzybob
2009-01-09 08:24 am UTC (link)
Like the others said, you did the right thing. There's no happy ending to that situation--and I really have to admire the fact that you saw what was coming ahead of time. Not to mention you're probably a lot smarter than I'll ever be. It was good for both of you.

*pets* Chin up! Someone will come your way, be that in China, NZ, Pakistan, wherever. The world is a big place, after all.


Which reminds me. Nice to see you!

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[info]lustforlike
2009-01-09 12:44 pm UTC (link)
Nice to see you too! It's been a while. How are things?

Even if someone does come my way, I'm not sure that what I thought I wanted is really what I want, anymore. Some really great friends, someone to love without ever consummating it - the way my life has been most of the time, really - is enough. I don't think I really want the whole one great love thing. I don't think I really believe in it, either. I have my friends to love. Sex is secondary, and nice if you get it, but otherwise - friends are enough.

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[info]cozzybob
2009-01-09 06:32 pm UTC (link)
Oh I'm good! I'm painting a mural for the veteran's center and will be posting the finished product in this journal when I'm done. Hee! It's going along very nicely, I'm gonna use this plus the others I'm planning to get into this university I've had my eye on. Yay!

But enough about me! That's an interesting way to look at a relationship, though quite honestly, I'd probably end up doing the same. It's not that I don't believe in marriage for 50 years, it's just that it's pretty scary, and then there's all that commitment and money and time... not to mention, you have to find the right person, which is insane at best. But to have friends you genuinely care for, who will be there when you need them... you can't replace that, either.

What I say? As long as you know that you're loved, dudums. It's important to know that somewhere on this great big planet full of lonely people, someone cares about you. (And they do!)

So. When are you getting to the North American / South American continent so I can meet you? ;)

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[info]lustforlike
2009-01-11 02:46 pm UTC (link)
Sounds like you're keeping yourself busy. :)

I don't know when I'll make it to the Americas. It might be a way off, now that I've decided to stay in China for a while. Maybe I'll only be here one more year, maybe lots. It depends how things go. This place agrees with me. It's hard to earn the money to travel the Americas when you're getting paid in RMB, though - it doesn't compete too well with the US dollar. I still want to make that trip, but it might be a few years off now - or it might be next year. Who can say. Come to china already. :P

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[info]cozzybob
2009-01-13 08:23 am UTC (link)
Hee! Well, one of us has to go *somewhere*, that's for sure! China it is! ^^

To be honest, things are getting really, really expensive around here via the economy and such, so you're probably better off. Well, no, that's not exactly true--it was very expensive in the summer, but then things dropped because no one could afford to pay the prices when everything crashed in the fall. I'm pretty sure this is beyond recession territory, lately. If things keep going the way their going, who knows where the US dollar will be? Heh!

Anyway, I was talking with this guy named Doug at ma's work (where I'm painting the mural) and he says that if I get my RN, I can join traveling nurses and go pretty much wherever I want. I'm not big on the nursing gig, but the traveling part sounds interesting! If things don't work out with Adam's State (a local university), I may do that! Apparently, they need nurses so bad, they'll pretty much pay you for your education. Woot! *marches off to China* ^^

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[info]lustforlike
2009-01-13 01:52 pm UTC (link)
Even if the US dollar drops radically, the airfare is the real killer, and that won't change significantly. It would take the RMB rising, not the US dollar falling, to make that more palatable, and if the RMB rises then my salary won't raise to match - it will raise a little, but I'm already being paid far above the baseline here, because the baseline in my country is so much higher and I wouldn't come here to work for any less! So, it doesn't work out in my favour in this industry. Maybe I can program on the side for extra cash for travelling. :)

As far as I can tell, nurses are wanted pretty much everywhere. I always used to hear about New Zealand nurses leaving to work in pretty much every country except New Zealand, because New Zealand's training was very good, and other countries had high demand and offered more money. So, New Zealand was training lots of nurses but still had high demand, too! My aunt is a nurse, but she actually stayed in New Zealand. She's a specialist nurse, too, but I forget what her speciality is. So yeah, you should believe that guy Doug, he's probably right, there's high demand for nurses.

Actually, I understand you can get work at hospitals without any kind of training - just pushing trolleys, but it's a good way to get an idea of whether you want to put up with the actual nursing work.

And if that fails, do as I did, and just come over as an English teacher. I don't have any real qualification in the area, so it's not like you need much. A TESOL certificate helps, but is not strictly necessary, depending on where you go. The real qualification is your American passport! And white skin, as racist as it sounds. They'll hire a French guy with white skin ahead of a black American, and they'll hire either over a Chinese American who can't speak a word of Chinese but has spoken fluent English since he was five. Not that it matters even if the employers change their standards, because it's the parents of the kids that you really have to impress, and they're even more narrow-minded. Sometimes. There are random cool people, just like anywhere else. :) Plus, you can work hard and they'll accept you. My co-worker, Ivy, is black, and the parents love her, because she's been there a long time and they know she does a good job. Another black teacher goes in the classroom, though, and he or she has a battle before the parents - and even the kids, sometimes - accept them.

Speaking of employers, the stupid fucks are being very tight-fisted right now. Last year it was mostly cool, but lately things have taken a turn for the worse - I'm facing a fight to get my bonus from the beginning of the year, plus apartment stuff, and now they're pissing off the Chinese teachers, too. I'm not coming back to this school next year, and when I leave, one of the reasons I'm giving them is because they piss off not only me, but all the other teachers, too. They're very quick to dock pay, but very slow to give any extra money due, and that's especially bad this time of year - everyone tries to go home for Spring Festival/Chinese New Year, so they need the money to buy the train tickets. They're going to talk to the Chinese teachers about pay tomorrow - at 11am. They don't normally have to start work until 2pm, and some teachers have that day off, too. They're not impressed. I'm going to turn up at 11:30 to rescue Ariel if they still haven't finished yet. Maybe I'll yell at them too. I wish I could do the same for all the teachers - maybe I can drag everyone out at 11:30! Anyway, I just needed to rant about that. The managers don't give a damn about the Chinese teachers, because there are so many students leaving university with English majors but no job prospects, and the managers seem to think a fresh graduate is able to replace a teacher with more than two years of experience. Idiots. Maybe in two years, if they're good. Not all those graduates will have what it takes to be a good teacher, either. Sorry. Still ranting. Bye! :D

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[info]cozzybob
2009-01-15 04:32 am UTC (link)
You silly! I love ranting! You rarely rant anyway--at least not in this length. I learned things! ^^

That sounds like a pretty annoying workplace, though I must say that my mother's work has been doing the same of late. Nobody ever wants to give you money, even when you've earned it! We really should start thinking about money trees. Heh!

Discrimination--ouch! It sounds like I qualify, though--does gender make a difference as well? I know some cultures are pretty weird about that, though I do know a girl who's an English teacher in Japan for little kids ([info]jinsai--you'd like her!), and she seems to do fairly well. She says she has some problems here and there, but mostly she gets away with things because she's American and a foreigner. Hee!

I still like the idea of teaching English, personally. There's just a lot going on (all the time) in my personal life that I rarely think about it until I'm invested in something else. But the idea of traveling in general--be that with teaching, nursing or joining one of the Corps, has been tempting all summer, fall and winter long. I keep getting opportunities to go--that must mean something.

I started an LPN course in nursing my senior year of HS, but when I moved to Virginia, the education systems were so different that I couldn't afford to finish the course. I did really well, but the clinical parts were rather scary--to be perfectly honest, at the time I figured that nursing wasn't for me. And I still don't see it as a career of choice--I'd much rather do something else, like teach or even go back into construction. It's just, I was very good at it once I got the hang of things, and I'm a bit of a stronger person now, so I'm sure I could get through the clinical without too much drama. It takes a lot of bravery to be a nurse, because those schools really put you through the ringer. Over here, it was designed after the military, and in some ways, it's just like boot camp. They teach you how to take abuse, because more often than not, the patients themselves are miserable.

So, nursing is an option and I could probably do it very well, but it's debatable whether or not I'd love doing it. I'm going to finish the murals I'm working on, talk my way into the local university, and take some English courses. I'll see where that takes me (and if I end up in China, I'm totally there!). ^^

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[info]lustforlike
2009-01-16 01:41 am UTC (link)
See if the university itself offers a TESOL course - most of the courses are from private institutions, so you have to pay more than you would at uni. If you can do the nursing side of things well, then maybe it's something to look into - I stopped thinking you should look for your ideal job a while back, and instead pick a job you can stand to do every day for several years. I had my ideal job, almost, and it turned out to be too boring for me!

I guess nurses do get the wrong end of the stick most of the time. They have to take abuse from the (justifiably) miserable patients, and often from the doctors too, from what I hear. Nurses do have to be tough!

Being a woman won't affect your ability to get a job - like I said, the main qualification is white skin. If you wanted to go to Dubai it'd be a problem, but China is cool with it. Just be aware that you will get little kids hitting your ass and boobs, and you'll need to come up with your own ways of dealing with it (although that depends where you work - the private schools don't have as strong discipline as the public schools, because the parents don't pay craploads of money for their kis to get beaten up - but in public schools, yes, the teachers still get away with hitting kids who step out of line over here). The only time I've seen anyone say that a woman couldn't take a class was with the oldest class we have here - the kids are around 12 years old. It's not so bad now, but back when a couple of particularly troublesome students were in the class, I'd hear about them hurling all sorts of abuse at the Chinese teachers (who are all women; men are rare amongst the local teachers, while women are rare amongst the foreign teachers (although not as rare, just not quite as common)). At one point they wanted to find a male Chinese teacher to take the class! The class was mostly boys, and boys of that age are almost as strong as most fully-grown women, so unlike the younger kids, the women don't have a lot of options for controlling the class. They can't even say "get out of the class", because the kid will just say "no". Sometimes the parents can help if told how bad their kid is in class, but sometimes the parents will just say that it's the teacher's responsibility to control the kids and the teacher should do her job properly. Nobody likes parents like that. That's the worst you'll have to deal with, though; the little kids are much easier to deal with. The little ones can mob you, but they do it out of fun, not malice. :)

Also, yes, you can totally get away with stuff because you're a foreigner. People stare at you all the time anyway, so if you do something weird you can't really tell if they're staring because you did something weird or just because you're there. I'll go over and have a look at jinsai now!

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